You're a Good Parent...

by Patricia Scholes

After the fourth ring, Bill (real names will not be used) answered the phone, wondering why his wife had not picked it up. He grumbled a little. Because he ran his own business, he needed to get the payroll done, and by not getting the phone, Emily wasn’t helping.
“Hello?”
“This is Sergeant Williams of the Denver police,” a very feminine voice said. “We have your daughter. We need you to come to the station.” She then proceeded to give him directions to the local substation.
Stunned, Bill only heard the first part. The sergeant needed to give directions to him twice. A fugue of unreality settled on his mind, not letting him think.
“Who is it, honey?” Emily asked.
“Police.”
He was never sure afterwards what he told his wife. They rode in silence to the police station where they learned what their daughter Jodi had done.
Jodi had been in a minor traffic accident. Thankfully she was unhurt. Unfortunately, she had stolen the car, was both drunk on alcohol and high on marijuana, and had assaulted the police officer who tried to arrest her.
Jodi pled no contest to the charges against her. The judge sentenced her to six months in Department of Youth Corrections (“kids’ jail”) plus another six months of probation. After serving her sentence, not only did Jodi need to meet the terms of probation, which included restitution, fines, mandatory attendance at school and a getting and keeping a job, but a social worker informed the parents that a family counselor had been assigned to them to help the family learn to “get and stay” out of the system.
But we aren’t bad parents! Bill often thought during the therapist’s visits. We aren’t IN the system!
Bill and Emily were good parents. They had successfully raised one daughter who was happily married and had produced a lovely grandchild. They had a built-in support system: lots of family and lots of family gatherings. Jodi had never been abused. She had a variety of family members to turn to. She seemed to love her little niece, her grandparents, her parents, her sister and her brother-in-law. What had happened?
At first Bill and Emily greeted the therapist with stony silence. Everything was fine. They didn’t need someone to tell them how to live.
But:
Because of the current economy, Bill’s business was taking a downturn and required more attention and some creative marketing.
Emily’s mother (Jodi’s grandmother) had developed cancer, and Emily was spending time caring for her mother and often came home exhausted.
Jodi’s sister, who used to provide lots of girl chat, was now very busy with her baby and married life.
Because everyone was busy, and because Jodi’s sister had turned out so well, the family believed Jodi would too.
Jodi turned to peers instead of family.

Jodi’s family made the mistake many families do, believing that when children reach adolescence, they do not need as much supervision. In reality, children in their teens need BOTH more and less supervision. How does a parent know which to give?
First of all, Jodi’s family was stable. They weren’t plagued by family killers like divorce, alcohol and other drugs, or with peace-destroying conditions like depression and other mental illnesses or unemployment. They had a strong faith, generations of it. When Jodi’s parents realized how much trouble their daughter was getting into, they spoke to their priest. They lit candles. They believed that God was good and would bring Jodi through this.
But their little girl was still angry and resentful. What should they be doing?

AFTER the child has gotten into trouble, the family must take steps to completely surround their child in services. They need to know where their child is every moment.
For example, if the child is missing classes at school, the parent can get the school involved by contacting each one of the child’s teachers every day. Some schools have an online attendance record that the parents can access from home. One father calmly told his son that if it was too hard for the boy to get to class on time, he would be willing to walk him to every class, and even sit with him during classes if it was too hard for him to stay. Dad only needed to follow through one day. The child got the message.
Surrounding the child in services can also mean getting her involved in after school projects, sports, clubs and other interest groups, community and church events, and family events. For example, Jodi began to help her mother care for her grandmother. It became a life-saving three-generation event. Grandmother survived the cancer, mother got some much-needed help, and Jodi learned another way of caring.
Knowing where your child is every moment does not mean cross-examining him every time he comes home. It’s better to develop a plan, with your child’s help, of course, of where he or she will be and what adults will be watching. It means knowing the names, addresses and phone numbers of each of your child’s friends and their parents’ names. It means developing a relationship with those parents. You need not be close to the other parents, but you must be in cahoots, because supervision means following through with phone calls and personal visits.
Too much work? Consider the alternative. Your child has already been in trouble. How much heartache are you willing to tolerate? How many yelling matches are you willing to lose? How much in court costs are you willing to pay? How many people do you want in your life telling you how to care for your child? Children, especially at-risk children, will continue to push the boundaries until they know the boundaries are firm and their world is stable. Children do not raise children. Parents with firm boundaries do.

BEFORE your child has found trouble you can be as involved in your son’s or daughter’s life as possible. Don’t be too busy to listen to them. Jodi’s father realized that he could afford to lose his business easier than he could afford to lose his daughter.
But also be willing to let them go. They will make mistakes, fall flat on their faces and disappoint you. Let them see that you love them anyway, and work with them to plan a way to avoid another disaster.
Develop family rules and expectations. Planning is key. Working the plan is gold.
For a short time my husband and I cared for our granddaughter. Because I had worked with foster children for years, I knew how to develop some family rules. If you don’t know how, check out some books from the library on the subject of good parenting. All of them include family rules. I wrote ours out and sat down with her. I gave her a marker and told her to make any workable changes she wanted, and that we would discuss the changes until we reached an agreement. After we agreed, we signed our names and posted the list. I told her that if at a later date we found that the rules didn’t work, we could come up with a better list.
One item on our list was keeping the bedrooms clean, and the beds made before leaving the house (that meant I had to make my bed too!). One day she delayed until it was nearly time to go to school. The room needed a few things picked up and the bed made. Her room didn’t look bad. I could have let it go, but I knew that the next time I wanted her to follow a rule, she would make it harder. The follow-through is just as important as the rule. In fact, failure of the parent to follow through negates the rule altogether. Say what you mean; mean what you say. It’s important.
But how you say it is just as important. I didn’t make an issue of it. I just told her that I didn’t have the kind of job that required me to punch a clock. I could call my office and tell them I was going to be late. Then we could walk into her school late together and report the reason for her tardy to the school office together if she wished. She considered the embarrassment of having her grandmother walk her to the office, and never tested that rule again.
Just a note here: if you do have the kind of job that requires you to punch a clock, then the consequence will need to be different. For example, a neighbor could take the tardy child to school for you. Or you could plan an after-school consequence. Read some books. Get some ideas. Know what you will do in advance. If you don’t know, tell the child how much you love him, and that you love him too much to let this slide. Then tell him you will have the consequence in place by the time you get home. That will give you some time to consider an appropriate consequence. And he’ll have all day to think about his actions.
Note the word appropriate. Don’t be too harsh, but don’t let it slide. You’re developing firm boundaries, not punishing a felon, remember?

In a nutshell:
KNOW where your child is. If you don’t know, develop a plan to know.
POST family rules, expectations and consequences.
LISTEN to your child. You can ask open-ended questions like: “What was your favorite part about today? What really sucked?” Then don’t interrupt or share your favorite story. Just LISTEN.
READ a book on parenting. You only need to incorporate the parts that work for you, but you’ll get some good ideas. Never stop learning. The job of parenting is never set in stone. There is always something new to learn.
One last tip: OFFER a way for your child to save face. Offer to be the bad guy in case your child doesn’t know how to resist his friends’ invitations: “I’d love to, but you don’t know my parents. They’d be all over my case if it did that.”

And it never hurts to light a few candles.